A desire to be more spontaneous--oh rats

Right now
more than anything
I want to go outside
and start walking
I don't care where to, or for how long, but I just want to walk
run
dance
laugh
scream
cry
I don't care. I just want to be out there
in the dark.

And then the catch
which so often happens with my brilliant spontaneity
fear, thought, and planning roll in
and keep me sitting
here.

*

There are nights
when I say screw you world,
I will let not you win with fear
and I run the streets
and take back the night.

And then too often there are the other nights
when the transportive walk home puts that tiny knot in the pit of my stomach
and tightens every sense to attention
as I plan my route
look over my shoulder
banish the wish to walk for hours in any direction
because I know I must have a plan to get back on my own
safe.

Why can't I just run to where the sidewalk ends
not have to rig my own safety net
and just know that someone will be there
and it will not be fear.